Tag Archives: random

How To Avoid Resenting Your Marriage by Having an Out In The Open Emotional Long Distance Affair

12 Sep

As some of you may know, I try and solve the world’s biggest problems. In order to do so, I search the request pages on wikihow, because that’s where the thoughts of the people float most freely. Let me translate that for you. People that have to ask wikihow anything are fascinating in a lot of ways, not in the least the ways of their questions. Today’s question is posed by someone who doesn’t get what an out in the open relationship means. Ironically enough, this question is posed by someone who chooses to remain anonymous. There is a number of things this anonymous person does not get. In no particular order:

  1. The idea of marriage. I might be using a lot of common sense and an old-fashioned view here, but whenever you chose to get married, this wasn’t your idea of a healthy relationship. Get back to normal.
  2. The fun of having an emotional long distance affair. I hate to say this, but something inside me can understand the thrill that a sexual affair can bring. I will always believe that affairs (or the longing for them) will ruin your marriage, but besides that, I do not understand why you want to ruin your marriage for emotional long distance. You, dear anonymous question asker, must be a woman. And terribly lost in romantic comedies.
  3. As mentioned before, the idea of out in the open. This means telling everyone, anonymous woman.
  4. How the avoidance of resenting can be resolved by devoting a lot of energy to someone who is not in your marriage. I am not married, but I have learned that relationships get better when you work towards them. If you resent your marriage, there is a one clear solution. There is a passionate, short distance, emotional relationship available that will resolve your resentment over time, as long as you are willing to work as hard for that one as you would have for the one that you’re asking about. I’m not saying every marriage can be (should be?) saved, but as long as a long distance relationship seems like an alternative, you have to get back to normal.
  5. How revenge can be healthy. The idea of having the affair out in the open can have two reasons: revenge or naivety. You either believe that jealousy doesn’t exist when it’s out in the open or you want to show your husband that other men are still willing to make the effort. Both are plain wrong and evil. They will destroy your marriage first and then you.

Confession

6 Sep

Sometimes, when scrolling through WordPress posts, I reward myself for reading 70% of a post by liking it. Now go ahead and do the same.

Bashing Hashtags: #MyBiggestProblem

30 Mar

I’m back baby! This blog, which is at the bottom of my priority list, has reached the moment after my tests, long days of work and other important things to finally wake up again. Time to kick off with an easy start: Bashing Hashtags. Of course, it’s National Cleavage Day and even though I feel morally obligated to shake my head in fake disagreement, while secretly looking forward to the results it may bring, I will not handle this topic on today’s Bashing Hashtags.  Instead, I’ll focus on #MyBiggestProblem. Dear Twitterverse, what is your biggest problem?

#MyBiggestProblem Is i let people get to my head likee ino yhu dnt mean it – Right now, my biggest problem is that I seriously cannot read the second half of that sentence. You would think that’s a first-world problem, but I’m afraid it’s not.

#MyBiggestProblem Giving Too Many 2nd Chances – You know that’s mathematically impossible, right?

#MyBiggestProblem is having to see your ugly face everyday. Vom. – That’s got to be a good life.

#MyBiggestProblem is that I can’t stay mad. I always end of forgiving people even if they don’t deserve it – That’s not a real problem sweetheart. At least not as real as not being able to forgive.

#MYBiggestProblem I fuck everything up – Yeah, that’s a problem alright.

#MyBiggestProblem = getting out of bed. sadly, it’s such a difficult task to face everyday. – Also sadly, it’s your BIGGEST problem. 

#MyBiggestProblem DIET – You wonder why Twitter isn’t that big in Africa. Imagine having no food to eat and seeing half of the Twitterverse listing too much food as their biggest problem.

My boyfriends not knowing I exist and 0/5 of them follow me.#MyBiggestProblem – First one with a real problem! Although it’s somewhat of a thinker…

So, what’s your biggest problem?

 

In My World, You’re Eating This!

22 Feb

One of the things I can respect in people is being fully aware of social constructs and not following them. I don’t mean hooligans, vandals or rebels who need their rebellion to give meaning to a life that desperately needed meaning in the first place. I’m talking about people who know how the world works and use that knowledge to their advantage to make the world a better place. My favorite example was sitting in the same booth in an Irish train. Crossing the country of Ireland (if you look outside the window, you’ll see the bottom half of the horizon is green, the upper half is grey. That really sums up all of Ireland to me), two older ladies came sitting in the same booth me and my companion were in. We were in the window seats across from each other.

The two ladies chatted a bit about cats, the butcher on the corner and who had died among their mutual acquaintances (I assume). At one point their natural conversation was over and the one sitting next to me went looking out of the window. Or, technically, she was looking at me, hoping I wasn’t noticing her stare. The other started fumbling about in her purse and dug up a bag of candy. She got one for herself, gave one to the lady next to me and started looking at us. She tilt the bag my way and offered me some weird candy. Naturally, I refused taking it. It wasn’t that I honestly didn’t want it, it’s just the way it is supposed to go. ‘Sure you can have the last piece of pizza. You only had 3 out of 4 pieces so far. No no, I’m not hungry.’ That what you’re supposed to say. Not to this lady apparently. We both refused her candy, but she took out a full hand, dunked the sweets on the little table in the middle and said, ‘Now who doesn’t want candy?’

I liked her attitude so much more than I liked the candy. It was horrible. Really.

Watching The Rows Go By

6 Feb

As you might know, I love watching people be awkward. In fact, a lot of time I will try and make them so. My favorite move is sitting across somebody in public transport, looking them in the eye for about a minute and fart while holding my pokerface. Good thing students in Holland travel for free. What wasn’t free however, was my recent flight to the US. I have told you about this before, but in this concluding part of a series, I would like to talk about how people walk into an airplane.

There is something funny about people when they know they’re being watched while in an uncomfortable position. Boarding a plane is one of them. When you’re in the last row and not the first to check in, people will be watching you walking down the aisle, holding a suitcase that doesn’t really fit in the overhead compartment and impatiently waiting for the people in front of you. I have seen everybody handle their awkwardness the same way. It’s one of the most irrational things to do, but I even noticed myself doing it. While walking down the rows, you stare at the row numbers. It makes no sense. When you’re in row 31, you are very well aware that you’re not sitting in row 11, 12 or 13. There’s no way you could miss it. Still, we refrain from looking people in the eye, calming ourselves down, by counting the rows. Just 20 to go, just 20 to go…

Also, this technique will prevent you from staring when you get your food

How To Tell Your Lover She’s Fat

1 Feb

Or he, stop crying. I thought throwing a ‘she’ in there would just connect to your everyday life. You know, because men are more interested in a girl’s looks than in anything else. Also, every man out there knows that shopping with your lover will entail ensuring her she isn’t fat with every pair of shoes she tries, not being convincing for some reason and then watch her eat a family bucket of ice cream (irony alert!). On the other end, women might be more skilled when it comes to reading calories, doing the actual calories math, working out and drinking their bottles of water. She’ll want to tell him he’s getting round as well. For all of you who struggle to bring this the right way: fear not! I am famous for my subtle approach and I’ll share you the secrets.

  1. The first thing you’ll want to do, is make sure the comment isn’t coming out of nowhere. Give hints, fully agree whenever he or she asks you directly and mention the words ‘working out’ and ‘no sugar’ at least once a day.
  2. Next, prepare for the big moment like you would for any big moment. Make a nice dinner, light a few candles, dim the lights… Work your magic.
  3. Near the end of dinner, feign some new-found interest in making love while being tied up. Say how some article in Cosmopolitan changed your life and how you’d like to tie up the person in front of you.
  4. When said person is indeed tied up four ways (both ankles and wrists), tell him or her she’s fat. Name at least a few other synonyms for the word fat to get your message across.
  5. Make sure his or her mood has lightened before you untie the object. Let them kick and try to untie themselves as much as they want, it might get rid of some belly. Warning: people may fake having gotten over it. Make sure they aren’t.

I am not responsible for any consequences linked to my tips. However, I’m open for feedback.

Have you tried it? How did it work out for you?

I’m Your New Employee

30 Jan

Dear sir/madam,

In the present economy, ambition is a quality to admire. Get ready to be blown away. I am hereby applying for your position as President of the America for Bulgaria foundation. Don’t worry, I am not some Bulgarian immigrant trying to get a green card here. I was just looking for jobs that pay well, and I couldn’t help but notice your salary in the range of $200 – $300K plus expenses and expat adjustments. When I noticed your ad, I knew I was the right man for the job, as I love spending money while being paid $350K yearly. Also, I have no problems flying business class.

I told you ambition was a quality to admire, and you can hardly deny the negotiation skills I just flaunted in front of you. That makes two perfect qualities you couldn’t even think of in your ad. Booyah. While you’re asking for a dynamic, highly credible leader who has shown progressive administrative responsibility throughout his/her career and has demonstrable success in previous leadership roles, I can offer you a dreamer, a visionary and a candidate for whom the sky is the limit. I may not have proven experience, but this letter does  certainly prove I’ve got balls. I made captain of my handball team three years in a row, now that I think of it. You might want to write that down. Also, I’m a mediocre student of Public Administration, so hiring me would just mean you’re about forty years ahead of time.

I’m glad full-time residence in Bulgaria is just desirable and not mandatory, for I don’t live in Bulgaria at the moment. Nor do I intent to. I just read you kind of want me to half of the time. For $350K a year, I guess I can make an exception. Don’t try those tricks on me when I’m in charge. I’ll see you in my office next Monday, as we’ll discuss my $50K raise.

Don’t be late.

Sincerely, Bas Boshuizen