Tag Archives: how to

How To Date a Guy When His Best Friend Likes You

20 Aug

I’ve decided to dust off this blog and get into a nice ol’ routine of aiding my fellow humans. Years ago, I’d be a beacon of knowledge for generations to come, and answer all the questions our youngsters like to ask of us more experienced folks. Now that I’m married, I should be even more qualified to answer those questions and streamline them into a framework that will benefit everyone. Without further a due, let me answer the burning question: How To Date a Guy When His Best Friend Likes You.

So, for all the experience and married stuff, I have a tiny disclaimer. I never really dated a guy, and I don’t think many of them would have had a best friend with a crush on me. So maybe, weird love triangle teenage drama girl, I am not the best person to answer this question, but it looks like I’m the only one willing to. Beggars can’t be choosers.

There are basically three scenarios:

The Samwise Gamgee

gollum

You’re Gollum in this scenario, just saying.

The best friend of your crush is the biggest sucker alive and will put up with seeing the two of you, and occasionally be send away when he is falsely accused of eating some elf bread. Even then, he will not leave his friend alone, but he will suffer nonetheless. This is the best scenario for you, it’s downhill from here.

 

The Back Stabber

Your crush will see you, but keep it a secret. Your question gave away that you’re in middle school or so, so I assume you won’t be living together. One day, his friend will find out, however, and feel betrayed. Things get ugly, you feel caught in the middle and everybody ends up alone.

The Top Gun 

You bring in a wing woman to change the friend’s mind. However, to change his mind, she has to be cuter than you. The first double date you go on turns into a disaster, as both guys fight over her attention, and you see your tears drown in Olive Garden tomato soup.

And that's just the appetizer. You still have the 'shrimps of sorrow' and dessert coming.

And that’s just the appetizer. You still have the ‘shrimps of sorrow’ and dessert coming.

So pick one, but pick wisely. A love triangle is one of the harder triangles to maintain. Also, you forgot to tell me if your crush likes you back. Probably not, otherwise it wouldn’t have been an issue, I imagine. But I’ll leave you with some important words, that may come just in time for your drama-infused brain. They’re not my own, but they go well with a triangle.

“I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.”

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How To Avoid Resenting Your Marriage by Having an Out In The Open Emotional Long Distance Affair

12 Sep

As some of you may know, I try and solve the world’s biggest problems. In order to do so, I search the request pages on wikihow, because that’s where the thoughts of the people float most freely. Let me translate that for you. People that have to ask wikihow anything are fascinating in a lot of ways, not in the least the ways of their questions. Today’s question is posed by someone who doesn’t get what an out in the open relationship means. Ironically enough, this question is posed by someone who chooses to remain anonymous. There is a number of things this anonymous person does not get. In no particular order:

  1. The idea of marriage. I might be using a lot of common sense and an old-fashioned view here, but whenever you chose to get married, this wasn’t your idea of a healthy relationship. Get back to normal.
  2. The fun of having an emotional long distance affair. I hate to say this, but something inside me can understand the thrill that a sexual affair can bring. I will always believe that affairs (or the longing for them) will ruin your marriage, but besides that, I do not understand why you want to ruin your marriage for emotional long distance. You, dear anonymous question asker, must be a woman. And terribly lost in romantic comedies.
  3. As mentioned before, the idea of out in the open. This means telling everyone, anonymous woman.
  4. How the avoidance of resenting can be resolved by devoting a lot of energy to someone who is not in your marriage. I am not married, but I have learned that relationships get better when you work towards them. If you resent your marriage, there is a one clear solution. There is a passionate, short distance, emotional relationship available that will resolve your resentment over time, as long as you are willing to work as hard for that one as you would have for the one that you’re asking about. I’m not saying every marriage can be (should be?) saved, but as long as a long distance relationship seems like an alternative, you have to get back to normal.
  5. How revenge can be healthy. The idea of having the affair out in the open can have two reasons: revenge or naivety. You either believe that jealousy doesn’t exist when it’s out in the open or you want to show your husband that other men are still willing to make the effort. Both are plain wrong and evil. They will destroy your marriage first and then you.

How To Find Someone Like Me

29 Feb

Pay attention, Adele, you might find this one particularly interesting. Believe it or not, I’m just responding to a request writing this post. Even I wouldn’t be so vain to come up with this. In a previous post, I gave you the ultimate guide on how to date a preacher’s kid. In the comments, it was soon established how I would be quite a catch, if not for these three points:

  1. I’m caught.
  2. I’m a blogger (those people are the worst).
  3. I’m a preacher’s kid.

Of course, you’d want to date a christian, but in church, the preacher’s kid is sucking up all the attention. So the best place to look for one is the christian self-help section in the bookstore. Why you ask? Because people reading self-help books admit they do not already know everything and have at least some insights in their flaws (don’t pick the guy reading ‘How the Bible can help you stop beating your wife’). This way you’ll filter out the narrow-minded and stubborn christians (in my view, christians cannot be either of those two, but for the sake of clarity, I’ll use the same term). Next, to make sure your target is not a blogger, your opening line should be ‘What’s your opinion on using ice cubes in white wine?’ People without an opinion on such a trivial question can never be bloggers, clearing your way to the coffee area, where you talk about all the books you have just seen. Once again, you’re welcome.

And when we both reached for 'The Biblical View On Amazon.com', our hands touched. It was so magical!

If you want to invite me to your wedding, a thank you card and $50 will also do.

How To Date A Preacher’s Kid

20 Feb

Every now and then (not that often) I cannot think of a ‘How to…’ myself and turn to Wikihow. I then take a good idea and make it awkward, thus ruining it. This time, however, I feel I am the expert to call on for this particular matter. I am a preacher’s kid. This is a how to guide to date me. The one you have been looking forward too? I thought so.

  1. Impress me. I get a lot of attention when I walk into church, so you’ll have to try hard to get my attention. Try wordly music or a decent skirt.
  2. If you manage to get my attention, don’t be overwhelmed by my presence. Try to stay cool. Try. A little squeek now and then is okay, but fainting does hurt your chances.
  3. Think of an original date. In public. If you’re lucky, I might hold your hand. Walking in a dark forest sounds good enough to me.
  4. Don’t be afraid of my groupies. I may seem like a rockstar, but I’m just a humble sinner. Like you. Well, maybe less of a sinner.
  5. Enjoy! It’s quite the experience.

Did this help you any?

 

Will Be Back In January. Merry Christmas Everybody! The Best Excuses For Being Late: A Guide For The Unknowing

20 Dec

I’m always late. Good thing I’m a guy, because being a girl and always being late would cause more stress than I’m willing to handle. There are several reasons for me being late: the most obvious is leaving late. Most of the times, I will plainly confess this and my friends and family just assume I’ll be five minutes off. In fact, when I’m early, I’ll wait around to arrive one minute late to avoid upsetting them. Other times, you will need a reasonable excuse. There’s a few things that will make your excuse better than the ordinary ones. You can thank me in the comments:

  1. Avoid clichés. Your car may have had two breakdowns, nobody will believe you. If traffic was bad, just make up another story. Do not use the same story twice. If traffic was bad, make sure your viewpoint of the story stands out.

    Cliche: you were in the train. Original: you were just eating your sandwich in the kitchen...

    2. Exaggerate. You know how you hear all these stories that are true, while they would be rejected when it was meant to be fiction? That’s because you ‘cannot make stuff up like that’. If we’re anything alike, that just sounds like a challenge. Thanks to youtube, your excuse will have to sound unrealistic to be believable.

    This would be a good start to any lie.

    3. Go for sympathy. I always use the standard crutches move to get people to feel sorry for me. Walk in with crutches, excuse yourself for being late, tell them how it’s not important how you were injured, the important thing is that you’re there. Tell them how the doctor wanted to keep you in, but how you insisted on coming there.

    And then I heard them say, "Get this guy walking as soon as possible. He's got a meeting to attend. Make sure you give him some crutches"

    Did any of you try these? Did it work for you as it does for me?

How To Use a Public Toilet Without Embarassment

12 Dec

Saving the world one akward problem at a time. This week’s pressing issue: public toilets. The one where you can hear each other (I just got a chill down my spine, anyone else?). We’ve all been there. Girls come in, check whether there actually is toilet paper, clean the seat and eventually sit down. Guys come in, sit down, do their business and then find out there is no toilet paper other then the little piece now strapped to your shoes, ass and belt. If you recognize what I just described, this is a post you’ve been waiting for.

A picture you haven't been waiting for

Honestly, the worst part of the public bathroom is the moment you’re all set (pants down to your ankles, bodily functions ready to shoot and your hands clinched to two fists) and you hear somebody walk in. If you’re lucky, you can keep up the tension while waiting for the other person to do his business and then go away. If you’re unlucky though, you lose the momemtum and will have to do your whole routine all over again. The worst thing that can happen to you, is you’re too late to lose tension and just when the other person is checking what stalls are taken, you make perfectly clear yours is occupied.

So how do we avoid these kinds of awkward moments? First of all, you can eliminate one sound by placing a square of toilet paper on the surface of the water. This is a win-win, for it will also get rid of the recoil water getting right back at you. Secondly, just before you shoot, you shoot out: ‘Marty, is that you?’ This will distract the other person, creating a perfect window of opportunity (lasting about four seconds) to make a lot of sound. The confusement will either distract the victim long enough or let him assume you thought you were this comfortable with Marty and well, you mistook him in the first place (bit of a loose end, because let’s face it, who is THAT comfortable around others?). If this doesn’t help, I’m sure plenty of people will drop their contributions in the comment section.

Do you have other tips to avoid awkward bathroom situations? 

What’s the most comfortable you’ve ever been?