Tag Archives: awkward

Why Interviewing Exhibitionists Is A Bad Idea

29 Jul

There’s a type of commercial that really annoys me. Wait, let me rephrase that. Most commercials annoy me, but I can live with being regarded as :

a) stupid, as advertisers need to aim at the average viewer
b) looking for a solution as offered by the product

Of course, there is a huge chance I don’t need the product you’re advertising for, but as long as you assume I might need it one day and you explain to me how your stuff works, we’re okay. If you would ever regard me as ignorant, I’m not amused. Unfortunately, nobody cares what I think. Nowaday’s, there is a trend towards a documentary style commercial that assumes people are ignorant. Really ignorant. The following commercial is the best example of this. It’s in Dutch, but don’t worry, you’ll catch my drift anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFhVVbDxogM

These people are being interviewed on how they handle their savings. Of course, it’s a commercial, so I know these aren’t real interviews. What bugs me, however, is how they are trying to fool me. Every couple that’s being interviewed is in a setting that feels awkard. The first couple is in bed. Call me conservative, but what people do in their bed is completely their business. If they choose to spend their pillow talk time on banking, that’s their problem. What creepy bank has a camera pointed at my cuddle time? I’m not relating to these exhibitionists, folks.

It gets worse with the second couple, driving a car. The man, who is being asked on his savings, reacts surprised. He probably thought the camera crew was merely hitchhiking and now looking for an interesting topic to talk about. I get the interview style, but why interview someone who is not prepared, taking total strangers in his car and have the camera crew disappear as another camera drives by? What’s the message, guys? I thought this was a serious interview. Let me remind myself to pick a bank for my savings account that lets me mind my own business.

What’s your worst commercial ever?

Standing, Aiming And Peeing

27 Feb

Ladies, this one’s for you. Somehow, in a lot of interviews I read with different people, it seems that women have only one kind of penis-envy: peeing while standing. ‘If I were a man for a day, I’d love to pee standing up.’ Many, MANY women have stated this any time the topic comes up. Some girls will bring it up just to dream about it out loud. Am I right ladies? Well, I have got a message for those girls: it’s not all sunshine when you can see what you’re aiming at.

First of all, there’s the aiming. If women actually were a man for one day, they couldn’t aim. It takes years of practice (you should kinda know that if you ever cleaned a toilet) and even then, you are always in for a surprise. Imagine you’re not fully awake. You take out the hose (this blog has awkward in it people, get used to it), direct it in a direction and release. However, the direction you intended and the actual direction are some way off. Why? It’s what happens when you just woke up. You were only a man for a few minutes yet, so you didn’t account for the angle you’re used to.

Let’s say you see how difficult the whole thing actually is and pee sitting down the rest of the day. Maybe you’ll try again a few times, but you won’t get it right. You have to give up some

You can see this guy has been practicing by the neat mathematical parabola he is spraying.

time. Then you go out, to celebrate having a penis. After three beers (you’re a man, no cosmos for you), you come across an urge. You know it, but this time you’ll have to take the other room. Do not go into the stall to sit down. No, don’t. That metal gutter that looks awfully unpractical to wash your hands in, that’s your toilet now. You are confident now. How will you ever mess this up? There’s no way you will miss now. You aim right ahead, because there’s no angle to account for and only this time will aim and direction be the same. You’re peeing into a metal gutter. It will splash. Yes, I am saying your own pee will backfire and splash at you. You didn’t see that coming, did you? That, my dear ladies, is way having a penis takes A LOT of practice. All the newbies are walking with urine all over their pants, be it first-hand or second-hand pee. Because the guy standing next to you that was VERY weirded out by you taking a peek, well, he was aiming to splash right at you. Be warned. Have some respect.

Bashing Hashtags: #DumbestLawEver

10 Feb

I skipped a day. It was last Wednesday. I hope you can forgive me, but as far as I know, there is no law forbidding me not to post on Wednesday. Speaking of which, today we’ll be reviewing the dumbest laws ever. We could look around and spend hours in the library looking for laws that have lost their relevance, but why not ask the old wise men on Twitter? I guess we’ll find that out in eight tweets…

#DumbestLawEver Being arrested for theft. What if an athsmatic stole an inhaler from a chemist? They wouldnt get done. What if u need somat? – I think a law providing the right to steal inhalers would indeed make more sense.

Its illegal to choke people for being stupid. #DumbestLawEver – You know the saying: without stupid people, there is just no Twitter.

#DumbestLawEver being able to drive when you’re 18 – Because you know, under 18 your feet cannot reach the pedals.

men not allowed to enter women’s urinal and vice versa is the#DumbestLawEver – I bet that’s not even a real law. But I’d like to make sure people like you never do it anyway.

#DumbestLawEver that i can’t kidnapp Justin o.o! – o.o indeed! 

#DumbestLawEver: In Florida, you can’t tie a giraffe to a stoplight. – Let’s face it, that was getting out of hand.

#DumbestLawEver Women aren’t allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia – I don’t agree with suppressing women in any form, but how about forbidding them to parallel park?

#DumbestLawEver not using a phone while riding a bike -.- – That is stupid, using a phone while cycling is really dangerous, why would you make that mandatory?

 

What stupid law would you like to see installed?

 

Watching The Rows Go By

6 Feb

As you might know, I love watching people be awkward. In fact, a lot of time I will try and make them so. My favorite move is sitting across somebody in public transport, looking them in the eye for about a minute and fart while holding my pokerface. Good thing students in Holland travel for free. What wasn’t free however, was my recent flight to the US. I have told you about this before, but in this concluding part of a series, I would like to talk about how people walk into an airplane.

There is something funny about people when they know they’re being watched while in an uncomfortable position. Boarding a plane is one of them. When you’re in the last row and not the first to check in, people will be watching you walking down the aisle, holding a suitcase that doesn’t really fit in the overhead compartment and impatiently waiting for the people in front of you. I have seen everybody handle their awkwardness the same way. It’s one of the most irrational things to do, but I even noticed myself doing it. While walking down the rows, you stare at the row numbers. It makes no sense. When you’re in row 31, you are very well aware that you’re not sitting in row 11, 12 or 13. There’s no way you could miss it. Still, we refrain from looking people in the eye, calming ourselves down, by counting the rows. Just 20 to go, just 20 to go…

Also, this technique will prevent you from staring when you get your food

Bashing Hashtags: #ThingsThatStartSex

3 Feb

Foreplay! Watching Discovery Channel longer than an hour (outside the ‘Dirty Jobs’ hours)! Fifty bucks! Boredom! Cleavage! Okay, I’ve added my two cents, I’ll have the international tweeps of today give the ultimate answers…

im watchin the games you come in front of me and bend over with a skirt with no panties #thingsthatstartsex – To you, that may even sound like foreplay.

#ThingsThatStartSex Opening a bottle of Cabernet while playing Bossa Nova, sitting on my bed, talking about politics. #workseverytime – What worked for Newt Gingrinch, could well work for you!

#ThingsThatStartSex being alone in a room w. a hoe – Big boy. You get it.

#ThingsThatStartSex ‘Did I ever tell you about the time I went backpacking across Western Europe?’ – That’s actually a good joke. Respect.

#ThingsThatStartSex when you like my picture on facebook. Psh you so want me. – Roar. You’d better not get into a room with #3.

#thingsthatstartsex whisper I’m her ear ..you’re so beautiful lol – (Whispers) I’m her ear, I’m her ear… Aww, thank you!

#ThingsThatStartSex laying on my bed then moving to my wall then moving to my sofa then moving to my floor we going all over 😉 – I always work with anonymous tweeps, but I have to explain this: his avatar shows the guy with his grandmother.

#ThingsThatStartSex “I have a charizard card” – Yeah, but then your pokemon run away after a while. Been there, done that.

#ThingsThatStartSex Definately Not Call Of Duty, Assassin’s Creed or Grand Theft Auto San Andreas – Boom. That.

#ThingsThatStartSex the fellow !!! – Also, genuinely funny. Not !!! funny though.

Kids, if you have secretly been reading along: ask Twitter about any questions you might have. Also, I promise my next post will be family friendly again. But, until then: can you name some #ThingsThatStartSex?

 

How To Tell Your Lover She’s Fat

1 Feb

Or he, stop crying. I thought throwing a ‘she’ in there would just connect to your everyday life. You know, because men are more interested in a girl’s looks than in anything else. Also, every man out there knows that shopping with your lover will entail ensuring her she isn’t fat with every pair of shoes she tries, not being convincing for some reason and then watch her eat a family bucket of ice cream (irony alert!). On the other end, women might be more skilled when it comes to reading calories, doing the actual calories math, working out and drinking their bottles of water. She’ll want to tell him he’s getting round as well. For all of you who struggle to bring this the right way: fear not! I am famous for my subtle approach and I’ll share you the secrets.

  1. The first thing you’ll want to do, is make sure the comment isn’t coming out of nowhere. Give hints, fully agree whenever he or she asks you directly and mention the words ‘working out’ and ‘no sugar’ at least once a day.
  2. Next, prepare for the big moment like you would for any big moment. Make a nice dinner, light a few candles, dim the lights… Work your magic.
  3. Near the end of dinner, feign some new-found interest in making love while being tied up. Say how some article in Cosmopolitan changed your life and how you’d like to tie up the person in front of you.
  4. When said person is indeed tied up four ways (both ankles and wrists), tell him or her she’s fat. Name at least a few other synonyms for the word fat to get your message across.
  5. Make sure his or her mood has lightened before you untie the object. Let them kick and try to untie themselves as much as they want, it might get rid of some belly. Warning: people may fake having gotten over it. Make sure they aren’t.

I am not responsible for any consequences linked to my tips. However, I’m open for feedback.

Have you tried it? How did it work out for you?

I’m Your New Employee

30 Jan

Dear sir/madam,

In the present economy, ambition is a quality to admire. Get ready to be blown away. I am hereby applying for your position as President of the America for Bulgaria foundation. Don’t worry, I am not some Bulgarian immigrant trying to get a green card here. I was just looking for jobs that pay well, and I couldn’t help but notice your salary in the range of $200 – $300K plus expenses and expat adjustments. When I noticed your ad, I knew I was the right man for the job, as I love spending money while being paid $350K yearly. Also, I have no problems flying business class.

I told you ambition was a quality to admire, and you can hardly deny the negotiation skills I just flaunted in front of you. That makes two perfect qualities you couldn’t even think of in your ad. Booyah. While you’re asking for a dynamic, highly credible leader who has shown progressive administrative responsibility throughout his/her career and has demonstrable success in previous leadership roles, I can offer you a dreamer, a visionary and a candidate for whom the sky is the limit. I may not have proven experience, but this letter does  certainly prove I’ve got balls. I made captain of my handball team three years in a row, now that I think of it. You might want to write that down. Also, I’m a mediocre student of Public Administration, so hiring me would just mean you’re about forty years ahead of time.

I’m glad full-time residence in Bulgaria is just desirable and not mandatory, for I don’t live in Bulgaria at the moment. Nor do I intent to. I just read you kind of want me to half of the time. For $350K a year, I guess I can make an exception. Don’t try those tricks on me when I’m in charge. I’ll see you in my office next Monday, as we’ll discuss my $50K raise.

Don’t be late.

Sincerely, Bas Boshuizen