Bashing Hashtags: #MyBiggestProblem

30 Mar

I’m back baby! This blog, which is at the bottom of my priority list, has reached the moment after my tests, long days of work and other important things to finally wake up again. Time to kick off with an easy start: Bashing Hashtags. Of course, it’s National Cleavage Day and even though I feel morally obligated to shake my head in fake disagreement, while secretly looking forward to the results it may bring, I will not handle this topic on today’s Bashing Hashtags.  Instead, I’ll focus on #MyBiggestProblem. Dear Twitterverse, what is your biggest problem?

#MyBiggestProblem Is i let people get to my head likee ino yhu dnt mean it – Right now, my biggest problem is that I seriously cannot read the second half of that sentence. You would think that’s a first-world problem, but I’m afraid it’s not.

#MyBiggestProblem Giving Too Many 2nd Chances – You know that’s mathematically impossible, right?

#MyBiggestProblem is having to see your ugly face everyday. Vom. – That’s got to be a good life.

#MyBiggestProblem is that I can’t stay mad. I always end of forgiving people even if they don’t deserve it – That’s not a real problem sweetheart. At least not as real as not being able to forgive.

#MYBiggestProblem I fuck everything up – Yeah, that’s a problem alright.

#MyBiggestProblem = getting out of bed. sadly, it’s such a difficult task to face everyday. – Also sadly, it’s your BIGGEST problem. 

#MyBiggestProblem DIET – You wonder why Twitter isn’t that big in Africa. Imagine having no food to eat and seeing half of the Twitterverse listing too much food as their biggest problem.

My boyfriends not knowing I exist and 0/5 of them follow me.#MyBiggestProblem – First one with a real problem! Although it’s somewhat of a thinker…

So, what’s your biggest problem?

 

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How To Find Someone Like Me

29 Feb

Pay attention, Adele, you might find this one particularly interesting. Believe it or not, I’m just responding to a request writing this post. Even I wouldn’t be so vain to come up with this. In a previous post, I gave you the ultimate guide on how to date a preacher’s kid. In the comments, it was soon established how I would be quite a catch, if not for these three points:

  1. I’m caught.
  2. I’m a blogger (those people are the worst).
  3. I’m a preacher’s kid.

Of course, you’d want to date a christian, but in church, the preacher’s kid is sucking up all the attention. So the best place to look for one is the christian self-help section in the bookstore. Why you ask? Because people reading self-help books admit they do not already know everything and have at least some insights in their flaws (don’t pick the guy reading ‘How the Bible can help you stop beating your wife’). This way you’ll filter out the narrow-minded and stubborn christians (in my view, christians cannot be either of those two, but for the sake of clarity, I’ll use the same term). Next, to make sure your target is not a blogger, your opening line should be ‘What’s your opinion on using ice cubes in white wine?’ People without an opinion on such a trivial question can never be bloggers, clearing your way to the coffee area, where you talk about all the books you have just seen. Once again, you’re welcome.

And when we both reached for 'The Biblical View On Amazon.com', our hands touched. It was so magical!

If you want to invite me to your wedding, a thank you card and $50 will also do.

Standing, Aiming And Peeing

27 Feb

Ladies, this one’s for you. Somehow, in a lot of interviews I read with different people, it seems that women have only one kind of penis-envy: peeing while standing. ‘If I were a man for a day, I’d love to pee standing up.’ Many, MANY women have stated this any time the topic comes up. Some girls will bring it up just to dream about it out loud. Am I right ladies? Well, I have got a message for those girls: it’s not all sunshine when you can see what you’re aiming at.

First of all, there’s the aiming. If women actually were a man for one day, they couldn’t aim. It takes years of practice (you should kinda know that if you ever cleaned a toilet) and even then, you are always in for a surprise. Imagine you’re not fully awake. You take out the hose (this blog has awkward in it people, get used to it), direct it in a direction and release. However, the direction you intended and the actual direction are some way off. Why? It’s what happens when you just woke up. You were only a man for a few minutes yet, so you didn’t account for the angle you’re used to.

Let’s say you see how difficult the whole thing actually is and pee sitting down the rest of the day. Maybe you’ll try again a few times, but you won’t get it right. You have to give up some

You can see this guy has been practicing by the neat mathematical parabola he is spraying.

time. Then you go out, to celebrate having a penis. After three beers (you’re a man, no cosmos for you), you come across an urge. You know it, but this time you’ll have to take the other room. Do not go into the stall to sit down. No, don’t. That metal gutter that looks awfully unpractical to wash your hands in, that’s your toilet now. You are confident now. How will you ever mess this up? There’s no way you will miss now. You aim right ahead, because there’s no angle to account for and only this time will aim and direction be the same. You’re peeing into a metal gutter. It will splash. Yes, I am saying your own pee will backfire and splash at you. You didn’t see that coming, did you? That, my dear ladies, is way having a penis takes A LOT of practice. All the newbies are walking with urine all over their pants, be it first-hand or second-hand pee. Because the guy standing next to you that was VERY weirded out by you taking a peek, well, he was aiming to splash right at you. Be warned. Have some respect.

In My World, You’re Eating This!

22 Feb

One of the things I can respect in people is being fully aware of social constructs and not following them. I don’t mean hooligans, vandals or rebels who need their rebellion to give meaning to a life that desperately needed meaning in the first place. I’m talking about people who know how the world works and use that knowledge to their advantage to make the world a better place. My favorite example was sitting in the same booth in an Irish train. Crossing the country of Ireland (if you look outside the window, you’ll see the bottom half of the horizon is green, the upper half is grey. That really sums up all of Ireland to me), two older ladies came sitting in the same booth me and my companion were in. We were in the window seats across from each other.

The two ladies chatted a bit about cats, the butcher on the corner and who had died among their mutual acquaintances (I assume). At one point their natural conversation was over and the one sitting next to me went looking out of the window. Or, technically, she was looking at me, hoping I wasn’t noticing her stare. The other started fumbling about in her purse and dug up a bag of candy. She got one for herself, gave one to the lady next to me and started looking at us. She tilt the bag my way and offered me some weird candy. Naturally, I refused taking it. It wasn’t that I honestly didn’t want it, it’s just the way it is supposed to go. ‘Sure you can have the last piece of pizza. You only had 3 out of 4 pieces so far. No no, I’m not hungry.’ That what you’re supposed to say. Not to this lady apparently. We both refused her candy, but she took out a full hand, dunked the sweets on the little table in the middle and said, ‘Now who doesn’t want candy?’

I liked her attitude so much more than I liked the candy. It was horrible. Really.

How To Date A Preacher’s Kid

20 Feb

Every now and then (not that often) I cannot think of a ‘How to…’ myself and turn to Wikihow. I then take a good idea and make it awkward, thus ruining it. This time, however, I feel I am the expert to call on for this particular matter. I am a preacher’s kid. This is a how to guide to date me. The one you have been looking forward too? I thought so.

  1. Impress me. I get a lot of attention when I walk into church, so you’ll have to try hard to get my attention. Try wordly music or a decent skirt.
  2. If you manage to get my attention, don’t be overwhelmed by my presence. Try to stay cool. Try. A little squeek now and then is okay, but fainting does hurt your chances.
  3. Think of an original date. In public. If you’re lucky, I might hold your hand. Walking in a dark forest sounds good enough to me.
  4. Don’t be afraid of my groupies. I may seem like a rockstar, but I’m just a humble sinner. Like you. Well, maybe less of a sinner.
  5. Enjoy! It’s quite the experience.

Did this help you any?

 

Bashing Hashtags: #DumbestLawEver

10 Feb

I skipped a day. It was last Wednesday. I hope you can forgive me, but as far as I know, there is no law forbidding me not to post on Wednesday. Speaking of which, today we’ll be reviewing the dumbest laws ever. We could look around and spend hours in the library looking for laws that have lost their relevance, but why not ask the old wise men on Twitter? I guess we’ll find that out in eight tweets…

#DumbestLawEver Being arrested for theft. What if an athsmatic stole an inhaler from a chemist? They wouldnt get done. What if u need somat? – I think a law providing the right to steal inhalers would indeed make more sense.

Its illegal to choke people for being stupid. #DumbestLawEver – You know the saying: without stupid people, there is just no Twitter.

#DumbestLawEver being able to drive when you’re 18 – Because you know, under 18 your feet cannot reach the pedals.

men not allowed to enter women’s urinal and vice versa is the#DumbestLawEver – I bet that’s not even a real law. But I’d like to make sure people like you never do it anyway.

#DumbestLawEver that i can’t kidnapp Justin o.o! – o.o indeed! 

#DumbestLawEver: In Florida, you can’t tie a giraffe to a stoplight. – Let’s face it, that was getting out of hand.

#DumbestLawEver Women aren’t allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia – I don’t agree with suppressing women in any form, but how about forbidding them to parallel park?

#DumbestLawEver not using a phone while riding a bike -.- – That is stupid, using a phone while cycling is really dangerous, why would you make that mandatory?

 

What stupid law would you like to see installed?

 

Watching The Rows Go By

6 Feb

As you might know, I love watching people be awkward. In fact, a lot of time I will try and make them so. My favorite move is sitting across somebody in public transport, looking them in the eye for about a minute and fart while holding my pokerface. Good thing students in Holland travel for free. What wasn’t free however, was my recent flight to the US. I have told you about this before, but in this concluding part of a series, I would like to talk about how people walk into an airplane.

There is something funny about people when they know they’re being watched while in an uncomfortable position. Boarding a plane is one of them. When you’re in the last row and not the first to check in, people will be watching you walking down the aisle, holding a suitcase that doesn’t really fit in the overhead compartment and impatiently waiting for the people in front of you. I have seen everybody handle their awkwardness the same way. It’s one of the most irrational things to do, but I even noticed myself doing it. While walking down the rows, you stare at the row numbers. It makes no sense. When you’re in row 31, you are very well aware that you’re not sitting in row 11, 12 or 13. There’s no way you could miss it. Still, we refrain from looking people in the eye, calming ourselves down, by counting the rows. Just 20 to go, just 20 to go…

Also, this technique will prevent you from staring when you get your food