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You’ll Think I’m Crazy, But It’s Really Everyone Else

10 Jan

I’m seriously considering becoming a follower of a conspiracy theory. I don’t really care which one. It just seems that those people have a life that is so much easier. If the economy goes down the drain, blame the Illuminati. If there’s an earthquake causing a oil leak, blame the Illuminati. If your keys are lost, blame the Illuminati. Never again are things subject to chaos or uncontrollable circumstances. Your self-chosen conspiracy theory has the solution for everything. I would pick out a theory that doesn’t have a deadline though. Imagine being a preparer for doomsday last December 21st. Not only are the days leading up to ‘the event’ probably not that uplifting in the first place, but as a weird sort of anti-climax, your whole believe system shatters after a depressing count down.

The tin foil hat. A universal sign of full awareness and a non-brainwashed mind detached from crazy thoughts.

The tin foil hat. A universal sign of full awareness and a non-brainwashed mind detached from crazy thoughts.

A second very good reason to pick a conspiracy is the look on people’s faces. I have noticed how the most dedicated followers have no trouble linking their beliefs to every single conversation. I love to see the reactions on my colleague’s faces when they have agreed to have a meeting the following week and I just say: ‘Yeah, well, that’s if you believe in a chronological order of time anyway.’ Awkward silence, mic drop, putting on the aluminium foil hat and walk away.

What’s your favorite conspiracy theory?

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Ode To Monogamy

19 Sep

After my last post, in which I explained how cheating on your spouse by having an emotional long-distance affair is not a sane way to save your marriage, I have decided to write an ode to monogamy. I recently got engaged, so this may clarify my commitment to those who were wondering what spurred my sudden fetish for healthy relationships. This ode may be seen as a response to the typical jerk that contaminates any conversation on relationships. He (always a he) will spit on the ground, roar a little to clear his mind from the testosterone that has been blocking common sense and then dive into a lecture. His argument typically touches on evolution first – an ironic start, as I feel that those who take prise in being a jerk should have a more thankful attitude toward natural selection. He will explain how our ancestors are not monogamous and we were never meant to be. As a man, he will elaborate, his duty is to spread his seed and not to surpress his nature. His final conclusion despises the social convention that marriage is. He will be a happy single and never be tied down. Dear jerk, listen closely.

The writers of this book were never an attractive spous. This is how to hide your disappointment.

Many things have changed the last few thousand years. We started walking up straight, went on using tools and got less hairy (at least I did). Also, the more evolved among us started to see the added value of a shared life. Looking for a partner makes one vulnerable and sharing the responsibilities to provide for food dramatically increases the odds of actually having food. If you partner up and do what you do best, a win-win situation should arise. As we developed this, we stopped playing with our own feces, started wearing clothes and had free time to develop philosophies, math and eventually literature and other forms of art. I suggest you take development as a package deal. As long as you sit naked in a corner, smearing your poop on the wall, you’re more than welcome to feast on the side effects on being controlled by your instincts.

A real man controls his urges. He may feel the need to fart in public, but being well-raised and in control, he doesn’t. In the same manner, the duty of caring for a life-long mate is something valuable, that takes devotion and steadfastness. This duty heavily outweighs the animalistic urge to copulate with as many women as possible. In fact, if you value the latter duty over the former, your duty according to the rest of us is making sure your seed doesn’t get anywhere and never has a chance to disturb mankind. As for social conventions, you owe your life to them. It’s only our civilised manners that keeps us from throwing you in a snake pit. As soon as somebody starts throwing his poop at you, run for your life.

Confession

6 Sep

Sometimes, when scrolling through WordPress posts, I reward myself for reading 70% of a post by liking it. Now go ahead and do the same.

Why Interviewing Exhibitionists Is A Bad Idea

29 Jul

There’s a type of commercial that really annoys me. Wait, let me rephrase that. Most commercials annoy me, but I can live with being regarded as :

a) stupid, as advertisers need to aim at the average viewer
b) looking for a solution as offered by the product

Of course, there is a huge chance I don’t need the product you’re advertising for, but as long as you assume I might need it one day and you explain to me how your stuff works, we’re okay. If you would ever regard me as ignorant, I’m not amused. Unfortunately, nobody cares what I think. Nowaday’s, there is a trend towards a documentary style commercial that assumes people are ignorant. Really ignorant. The following commercial is the best example of this. It’s in Dutch, but don’t worry, you’ll catch my drift anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFhVVbDxogM

These people are being interviewed on how they handle their savings. Of course, it’s a commercial, so I know these aren’t real interviews. What bugs me, however, is how they are trying to fool me. Every couple that’s being interviewed is in a setting that feels awkard. The first couple is in bed. Call me conservative, but what people do in their bed is completely their business. If they choose to spend their pillow talk time on banking, that’s their problem. What creepy bank has a camera pointed at my cuddle time? I’m not relating to these exhibitionists, folks.

It gets worse with the second couple, driving a car. The man, who is being asked on his savings, reacts surprised. He probably thought the camera crew was merely hitchhiking and now looking for an interesting topic to talk about. I get the interview style, but why interview someone who is not prepared, taking total strangers in his car and have the camera crew disappear as another camera drives by? What’s the message, guys? I thought this was a serious interview. Let me remind myself to pick a bank for my savings account that lets me mind my own business.

What’s your worst commercial ever?

How To Find Someone Like Me

29 Feb

Pay attention, Adele, you might find this one particularly interesting. Believe it or not, I’m just responding to a request writing this post. Even I wouldn’t be so vain to come up with this. In a previous post, I gave you the ultimate guide on how to date a preacher’s kid. In the comments, it was soon established how I would be quite a catch, if not for these three points:

  1. I’m caught.
  2. I’m a blogger (those people are the worst).
  3. I’m a preacher’s kid.

Of course, you’d want to date a christian, but in church, the preacher’s kid is sucking up all the attention. So the best place to look for one is the christian self-help section in the bookstore. Why you ask? Because people reading self-help books admit they do not already know everything and have at least some insights in their flaws (don’t pick the guy reading ‘How the Bible can help you stop beating your wife’). This way you’ll filter out the narrow-minded and stubborn christians (in my view, christians cannot be either of those two, but for the sake of clarity, I’ll use the same term). Next, to make sure your target is not a blogger, your opening line should be ‘What’s your opinion on using ice cubes in white wine?’ People without an opinion on such a trivial question can never be bloggers, clearing your way to the coffee area, where you talk about all the books you have just seen. Once again, you’re welcome.

And when we both reached for 'The Biblical View On Amazon.com', our hands touched. It was so magical!

If you want to invite me to your wedding, a thank you card and $50 will also do.

Standing, Aiming And Peeing

27 Feb

Ladies, this one’s for you. Somehow, in a lot of interviews I read with different people, it seems that women have only one kind of penis-envy: peeing while standing. ‘If I were a man for a day, I’d love to pee standing up.’ Many, MANY women have stated this any time the topic comes up. Some girls will bring it up just to dream about it out loud. Am I right ladies? Well, I have got a message for those girls: it’s not all sunshine when you can see what you’re aiming at.

First of all, there’s the aiming. If women actually were a man for one day, they couldn’t aim. It takes years of practice (you should kinda know that if you ever cleaned a toilet) and even then, you are always in for a surprise. Imagine you’re not fully awake. You take out the hose (this blog has awkward in it people, get used to it), direct it in a direction and release. However, the direction you intended and the actual direction are some way off. Why? It’s what happens when you just woke up. You were only a man for a few minutes yet, so you didn’t account for the angle you’re used to.

Let’s say you see how difficult the whole thing actually is and pee sitting down the rest of the day. Maybe you’ll try again a few times, but you won’t get it right. You have to give up some

You can see this guy has been practicing by the neat mathematical parabola he is spraying.

time. Then you go out, to celebrate having a penis. After three beers (you’re a man, no cosmos for you), you come across an urge. You know it, but this time you’ll have to take the other room. Do not go into the stall to sit down. No, don’t. That metal gutter that looks awfully unpractical to wash your hands in, that’s your toilet now. You are confident now. How will you ever mess this up? There’s no way you will miss now. You aim right ahead, because there’s no angle to account for and only this time will aim and direction be the same. You’re peeing into a metal gutter. It will splash. Yes, I am saying your own pee will backfire and splash at you. You didn’t see that coming, did you? That, my dear ladies, is way having a penis takes A LOT of practice. All the newbies are walking with urine all over their pants, be it first-hand or second-hand pee. Because the guy standing next to you that was VERY weirded out by you taking a peek, well, he was aiming to splash right at you. Be warned. Have some respect.

How To Date A Preacher’s Kid

20 Feb

Every now and then (not that often) I cannot think of a ‘How to…’ myself and turn to Wikihow. I then take a good idea and make it awkward, thus ruining it. This time, however, I feel I am the expert to call on for this particular matter. I am a preacher’s kid. This is a how to guide to date me. The one you have been looking forward too? I thought so.

  1. Impress me. I get a lot of attention when I walk into church, so you’ll have to try hard to get my attention. Try wordly music or a decent skirt.
  2. If you manage to get my attention, don’t be overwhelmed by my presence. Try to stay cool. Try. A little squeek now and then is okay, but fainting does hurt your chances.
  3. Think of an original date. In public. If you’re lucky, I might hold your hand. Walking in a dark forest sounds good enough to me.
  4. Don’t be afraid of my groupies. I may seem like a rockstar, but I’m just a humble sinner. Like you. Well, maybe less of a sinner.
  5. Enjoy! It’s quite the experience.

Did this help you any?