How To Date a Guy When His Best Friend Likes You

20 Aug

I’ve decided to dust off this blog and get into a nice ol’ routine of aiding my fellow humans. Years ago, I’d be a beacon of knowledge for generations to come, and answer all the questions our youngsters like to ask of us more experienced folks. Now that I’m married, I should be even more qualified to answer those questions and streamline them into a framework that will benefit everyone. Without further a due, let me answer the burning question: How To Date a Guy When His Best Friend Likes You.

So, for all the experience and married stuff, I have a tiny disclaimer. I never really dated a guy, and I don’t think many of them would have had a best friend with a crush on me. So maybe, weird love triangle teenage drama girl, I am not the best person to answer this question, but it looks like I’m the only one willing to. Beggars can’t be choosers.

There are basically three scenarios:

The Samwise Gamgee

gollum

You’re Gollum in this scenario, just saying.

The best friend of your crush is the biggest sucker alive and will put up with seeing the two of you, and occasionally be send away when he is falsely accused of eating some elf bread. Even then, he will not leave his friend alone, but he will suffer nonetheless. This is the best scenario for you, it’s downhill from here.

 

The Back Stabber

Your crush will see you, but keep it a secret. Your question gave away that you’re in middle school or so, so I assume you won’t be living together. One day, his friend will find out, however, and feel betrayed. Things get ugly, you feel caught in the middle and everybody ends up alone.

The Top Gun 

You bring in a wing woman to change the friend’s mind. However, to change his mind, she has to be cuter than you. The first double date you go on turns into a disaster, as both guys fight over her attention, and you see your tears drown in Olive Garden tomato soup.

And that's just the appetizer. You still have the 'shrimps of sorrow' and dessert coming.

And that’s just the appetizer. You still have the ‘shrimps of sorrow’ and dessert coming.

So pick one, but pick wisely. A love triangle is one of the harder triangles to maintain. Also, you forgot to tell me if your crush likes you back. Probably not, otherwise it wouldn’t have been an issue, I imagine. But I’ll leave you with some important words, that may come just in time for your drama-infused brain. They’re not my own, but they go well with a triangle.

“I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.”

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You’ll Think I’m Crazy, But It’s Really Everyone Else

10 Jan

I’m seriously considering becoming a follower of a conspiracy theory. I don’t really care which one. It just seems that those people have a life that is so much easier. If the economy goes down the drain, blame the Illuminati. If there’s an earthquake causing a oil leak, blame the Illuminati. If your keys are lost, blame the Illuminati. Never again are things subject to chaos or uncontrollable circumstances. Your self-chosen conspiracy theory has the solution for everything. I would pick out a theory that doesn’t have a deadline though. Imagine being a preparer for doomsday last December 21st. Not only are the days leading up to ‘the event’ probably not that uplifting in the first place, but as a weird sort of anti-climax, your whole believe system shatters after a depressing count down.

The tin foil hat. A universal sign of full awareness and a non-brainwashed mind detached from crazy thoughts.

The tin foil hat. A universal sign of full awareness and a non-brainwashed mind detached from crazy thoughts.

A second very good reason to pick a conspiracy is the look on people’s faces. I have noticed how the most dedicated followers have no trouble linking their beliefs to every single conversation. I love to see the reactions on my colleague’s faces when they have agreed to have a meeting the following week and I just say: ‘Yeah, well, that’s if you believe in a chronological order of time anyway.’ Awkward silence, mic drop, putting on the aluminium foil hat and walk away.

What’s your favorite conspiracy theory?

Ode To Monogamy

19 Sep

After my last post, in which I explained how cheating on your spouse by having an emotional long-distance affair is not a sane way to save your marriage, I have decided to write an ode to monogamy. I recently got engaged, so this may clarify my commitment to those who were wondering what spurred my sudden fetish for healthy relationships. This ode may be seen as a response to the typical jerk that contaminates any conversation on relationships. He (always a he) will spit on the ground, roar a little to clear his mind from the testosterone that has been blocking common sense and then dive into a lecture. His argument typically touches on evolution first – an ironic start, as I feel that those who take prise in being a jerk should have a more thankful attitude toward natural selection. He will explain how our ancestors are not monogamous and we were never meant to be. As a man, he will elaborate, his duty is to spread his seed and not to surpress his nature. His final conclusion despises the social convention that marriage is. He will be a happy single and never be tied down. Dear jerk, listen closely.

The writers of this book were never an attractive spous. This is how to hide your disappointment.

Many things have changed the last few thousand years. We started walking up straight, went on using tools and got less hairy (at least I did). Also, the more evolved among us started to see the added value of a shared life. Looking for a partner makes one vulnerable and sharing the responsibilities to provide for food dramatically increases the odds of actually having food. If you partner up and do what you do best, a win-win situation should arise. As we developed this, we stopped playing with our own feces, started wearing clothes and had free time to develop philosophies, math and eventually literature and other forms of art. I suggest you take development as a package deal. As long as you sit naked in a corner, smearing your poop on the wall, you’re more than welcome to feast on the side effects on being controlled by your instincts.

A real man controls his urges. He may feel the need to fart in public, but being well-raised and in control, he doesn’t. In the same manner, the duty of caring for a life-long mate is something valuable, that takes devotion and steadfastness. This duty heavily outweighs the animalistic urge to copulate with as many women as possible. In fact, if you value the latter duty over the former, your duty according to the rest of us is making sure your seed doesn’t get anywhere and never has a chance to disturb mankind. As for social conventions, you owe your life to them. It’s only our civilised manners that keeps us from throwing you in a snake pit. As soon as somebody starts throwing his poop at you, run for your life.

How To Avoid Resenting Your Marriage by Having an Out In The Open Emotional Long Distance Affair

12 Sep

As some of you may know, I try and solve the world’s biggest problems. In order to do so, I search the request pages on wikihow, because that’s where the thoughts of the people float most freely. Let me translate that for you. People that have to ask wikihow anything are fascinating in a lot of ways, not in the least the ways of their questions. Today’s question is posed by someone who doesn’t get what an out in the open relationship means. Ironically enough, this question is posed by someone who chooses to remain anonymous. There is a number of things this anonymous person does not get. In no particular order:

  1. The idea of marriage. I might be using a lot of common sense and an old-fashioned view here, but whenever you chose to get married, this wasn’t your idea of a healthy relationship. Get back to normal.
  2. The fun of having an emotional long distance affair. I hate to say this, but something inside me can understand the thrill that a sexual affair can bring. I will always believe that affairs (or the longing for them) will ruin your marriage, but besides that, I do not understand why you want to ruin your marriage for emotional long distance. You, dear anonymous question asker, must be a woman. And terribly lost in romantic comedies.
  3. As mentioned before, the idea of out in the open. This means telling everyone, anonymous woman.
  4. How the avoidance of resenting can be resolved by devoting a lot of energy to someone who is not in your marriage. I am not married, but I have learned that relationships get better when you work towards them. If you resent your marriage, there is a one clear solution. There is a passionate, short distance, emotional relationship available that will resolve your resentment over time, as long as you are willing to work as hard for that one as you would have for the one that you’re asking about. I’m not saying every marriage can be (should be?) saved, but as long as a long distance relationship seems like an alternative, you have to get back to normal.
  5. How revenge can be healthy. The idea of having the affair out in the open can have two reasons: revenge or naivety. You either believe that jealousy doesn’t exist when it’s out in the open or you want to show your husband that other men are still willing to make the effort. Both are plain wrong and evil. They will destroy your marriage first and then you.

Confession

6 Sep

Sometimes, when scrolling through WordPress posts, I reward myself for reading 70% of a post by liking it. Now go ahead and do the same.

Dear Gymnastics, You’re Just Nuts

1 Aug

So I’m watching the Olympics all day. I know this next sentence should make ‘all day’ sound funny and not all that real, but as I don’t have anything to do these days, it’s really all I do. I love the different sports and am wildly rooting for both my country and any underdog I can find. Who would’ve thought I’d ever get the rules of judo?

I still don’t know what this move is called, though.

I can’t watch gymnastics with the same zeal, though. They are just plain crazy. Who started that thing where you balance on a narrow bar, a few feet from the ground, and then do a backflip from out of nowhere? How do you train for this without breaking your neck? Every single move these people do makes me realize I’m blessed having the least flexible body ever. Imagine having a natural talent for gymnastics… The horror. (I have this with ski jumping, too.)

Why Interviewing Exhibitionists Is A Bad Idea

29 Jul

There’s a type of commercial that really annoys me. Wait, let me rephrase that. Most commercials annoy me, but I can live with being regarded as :

a) stupid, as advertisers need to aim at the average viewer
b) looking for a solution as offered by the product

Of course, there is a huge chance I don’t need the product you’re advertising for, but as long as you assume I might need it one day and you explain to me how your stuff works, we’re okay. If you would ever regard me as ignorant, I’m not amused. Unfortunately, nobody cares what I think. Nowaday’s, there is a trend towards a documentary style commercial that assumes people are ignorant. Really ignorant. The following commercial is the best example of this. It’s in Dutch, but don’t worry, you’ll catch my drift anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFhVVbDxogM

These people are being interviewed on how they handle their savings. Of course, it’s a commercial, so I know these aren’t real interviews. What bugs me, however, is how they are trying to fool me. Every couple that’s being interviewed is in a setting that feels awkard. The first couple is in bed. Call me conservative, but what people do in their bed is completely their business. If they choose to spend their pillow talk time on banking, that’s their problem. What creepy bank has a camera pointed at my cuddle time? I’m not relating to these exhibitionists, folks.

It gets worse with the second couple, driving a car. The man, who is being asked on his savings, reacts surprised. He probably thought the camera crew was merely hitchhiking and now looking for an interesting topic to talk about. I get the interview style, but why interview someone who is not prepared, taking total strangers in his car and have the camera crew disappear as another camera drives by? What’s the message, guys? I thought this was a serious interview. Let me remind myself to pick a bank for my savings account that lets me mind my own business.

What’s your worst commercial ever?