How To Date a Guy When His Best Friend Likes You

20 Aug

I’ve decided to dust off this blog and get into a nice ol’ routine of aiding my fellow humans. Years ago, I’d be a beacon of knowledge for generations to come, and answer all the questions our youngsters like to ask of us more experienced folks. Now that I’m married, I should be even more qualified to answer those questions and streamline them into a framework that will benefit everyone. Without further a due, let me answer the burning question: How To Date a Guy When His Best Friend Likes You.

So, for all the experience and married stuff, I have a tiny disclaimer. I never really dated a guy, and I don’t think many of them would have had a best friend with a crush on me. So maybe, weird love triangle teenage drama girl, I am not the best person to answer this question, but it looks like I’m the only one willing to. Beggars can’t be choosers.

There are basically three scenarios:

The Samwise Gamgee


You’re Gollum in this scenario, just saying.

The best friend of your crush is the biggest sucker alive and will put up with seeing the two of you, and occasionally be send away when he is falsely accused of eating some elf bread. Even then, he will not leave his friend alone, but he will suffer nonetheless. This is the best scenario for you, it’s downhill from here.


The Back Stabber

Your crush will see you, but keep it a secret. Your question gave away that you’re in middle school or so, so I assume you won’t be living together. One day, his friend will find out, however, and feel betrayed. Things get ugly, you feel caught in the middle and everybody ends up alone.

The Top Gun 

You bring in a wing woman to change the friend’s mind. However, to change his mind, she has to be cuter than you. The first double date you go on turns into a disaster, as both guys fight over her attention, and you see your tears drown in Olive Garden tomato soup.

And that's just the appetizer. You still have the 'shrimps of sorrow' and dessert coming.

And that’s just the appetizer. You still have the ‘shrimps of sorrow’ and dessert coming.

So pick one, but pick wisely. A love triangle is one of the harder triangles to maintain. Also, you forgot to tell me if your crush likes you back. Probably not, otherwise it wouldn’t have been an issue, I imagine. But I’ll leave you with some important words, that may come just in time for your drama-infused brain. They’re not my own, but they go well with a triangle.

“I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.”

You’ll Think I’m Crazy, But It’s Really Everyone Else

10 Jan

I’m seriously considering becoming a follower of a conspiracy theory. I don’t really care which one. It just seems that those people have a life that is so much easier. If the economy goes down the drain, blame the Illuminati. If there’s an earthquake causing a oil leak, blame the Illuminati. If your keys are lost, blame the Illuminati. Never again are things subject to chaos or uncontrollable circumstances. Your self-chosen conspiracy theory has the solution for everything. I would pick out a theory that doesn’t have a deadline though. Imagine being a preparer for doomsday last December 21st. Not only are the days leading up to ‘the event’ probably not that uplifting in the first place, but as a weird sort of anti-climax, your whole believe system shatters after a depressing count down.

The tin foil hat. A universal sign of full awareness and a non-brainwashed mind detached from crazy thoughts.

The tin foil hat. A universal sign of full awareness and a non-brainwashed mind detached from crazy thoughts.

A second very good reason to pick a conspiracy is the look on people’s faces. I have noticed how the most dedicated followers have no trouble linking their beliefs to every single conversation. I love to see the reactions on my colleague’s faces when they have agreed to have a meeting the following week and I just say: ‘Yeah, well, that’s if you believe in a chronological order of time anyway.’ Awkward silence, mic drop, putting on the aluminium foil hat and walk away.

What’s your favorite conspiracy theory?

Ode To Monogamy

19 Sep

After my last post, in which I explained how cheating on your spouse by having an emotional long-distance affair is not a sane way to save your marriage, I have decided to write an ode to monogamy. I recently got engaged, so this may clarify my commitment to those who were wondering what spurred my sudden fetish for healthy relationships. This ode may be seen as a response to the typical jerk that contaminates any conversation on relationships. He (always a he) will spit on the ground, roar a little to clear his mind from the testosterone that has been blocking common sense and then dive into a lecture. His argument typically touches on evolution first – an ironic start, as I feel that those who take prise in being a jerk should have a more thankful attitude toward natural selection. He will explain how our ancestors are not monogamous and we were never meant to be. As a man, he will elaborate, his duty is to spread his seed and not to surpress his nature. His final conclusion despises the social convention that marriage is. He will be a happy single and never be tied down. Dear jerk, listen closely.

The writers of this book were never an attractive spous. This is how to hide your disappointment.

Many things have changed the last few thousand years. We started walking up straight, went on using tools and got less hairy (at least I did). Also, the more evolved among us started to see the added value of a shared life. Looking for a partner makes one vulnerable and sharing the responsibilities to provide for food dramatically increases the odds of actually having food. If you partner up and do what you do best, a win-win situation should arise. As we developed this, we stopped playing with our own feces, started wearing clothes and had free time to develop philosophies, math and eventually literature and other forms of art. I suggest you take development as a package deal. As long as you sit naked in a corner, smearing your poop on the wall, you’re more than welcome to feast on the side effects on being controlled by your instincts.

A real man controls his urges. He may feel the need to fart in public, but being well-raised and in control, he doesn’t. In the same manner, the duty of caring for a life-long mate is something valuable, that takes devotion and steadfastness. This duty heavily outweighs the animalistic urge to copulate with as many women as possible. In fact, if you value the latter duty over the former, your duty according to the rest of us is making sure your seed doesn’t get anywhere and never has a chance to disturb mankind. As for social conventions, you owe your life to them. It’s only our civilised manners that keeps us from throwing you in a snake pit. As soon as somebody starts throwing his poop at you, run for your life.

How To Avoid Resenting Your Marriage by Having an Out In The Open Emotional Long Distance Affair

12 Sep

As some of you may know, I try and solve the world’s biggest problems. In order to do so, I search the request pages on wikihow, because that’s where the thoughts of the people float most freely. Let me translate that for you. People that have to ask wikihow anything are fascinating in a lot of ways, not in the least the ways of their questions. Today’s question is posed by someone who doesn’t get what an out in the open relationship means. Ironically enough, this question is posed by someone who chooses to remain anonymous. There is a number of things this anonymous person does not get. In no particular order:

  1. The idea of marriage. I might be using a lot of common sense and an old-fashioned view here, but whenever you chose to get married, this wasn’t your idea of a healthy relationship. Get back to normal.
  2. The fun of having an emotional long distance affair. I hate to say this, but something inside me can understand the thrill that a sexual affair can bring. I will always believe that affairs (or the longing for them) will ruin your marriage, but besides that, I do not understand why you want to ruin your marriage for emotional long distance. You, dear anonymous question asker, must be a woman. And terribly lost in romantic comedies.
  3. As mentioned before, the idea of out in the open. This means telling everyone, anonymous woman.
  4. How the avoidance of resenting can be resolved by devoting a lot of energy to someone who is not in your marriage. I am not married, but I have learned that relationships get better when you work towards them. If you resent your marriage, there is a one clear solution. There is a passionate, short distance, emotional relationship available that will resolve your resentment over time, as long as you are willing to work as hard for that one as you would have for the one that you’re asking about. I’m not saying every marriage can be (should be?) saved, but as long as a long distance relationship seems like an alternative, you have to get back to normal.
  5. How revenge can be healthy. The idea of having the affair out in the open can have two reasons: revenge or naivety. You either believe that jealousy doesn’t exist when it’s out in the open or you want to show your husband that other men are still willing to make the effort. Both are plain wrong and evil. They will destroy your marriage first and then you.


6 Sep

Sometimes, when scrolling through WordPress posts, I reward myself for reading 70% of a post by liking it. Now go ahead and do the same.

Dear Gymnastics, You’re Just Nuts

1 Aug

So I’m watching the Olympics all day. I know this next sentence should make ‘all day’ sound funny and not all that real, but as I don’t have anything to do these days, it’s really all I do. I love the different sports and am wildly rooting for both my country and any underdog I can find. Who would’ve thought I’d ever get the rules of judo?

I still don’t know what this move is called, though.

I can’t watch gymnastics with the same zeal, though. They are just plain crazy. Who started that thing where you balance on a narrow bar, a few feet from the ground, and then do a backflip from out of nowhere? How do you train for this without breaking your neck? Every single move these people do makes me realize I’m blessed having the least flexible body ever. Imagine having a natural talent for gymnastics… The horror. (I have this with ski jumping, too.)

Why Interviewing Exhibitionists Is A Bad Idea

29 Jul

There’s a type of commercial that really annoys me. Wait, let me rephrase that. Most commercials annoy me, but I can live with being regarded as :

a) stupid, as advertisers need to aim at the average viewer
b) looking for a solution as offered by the product

Of course, there is a huge chance I don’t need the product you’re advertising for, but as long as you assume I might need it one day and you explain to me how your stuff works, we’re okay. If you would ever regard me as ignorant, I’m not amused. Unfortunately, nobody cares what I think. Nowaday’s, there is a trend towards a documentary style commercial that assumes people are ignorant. Really ignorant. The following commercial is the best example of this. It’s in Dutch, but don’t worry, you’ll catch my drift anyway.

These people are being interviewed on how they handle their savings. Of course, it’s a commercial, so I know these aren’t real interviews. What bugs me, however, is how they are trying to fool me. Every couple that’s being interviewed is in a setting that feels awkard. The first couple is in bed. Call me conservative, but what people do in their bed is completely their business. If they choose to spend their pillow talk time on banking, that’s their problem. What creepy bank has a camera pointed at my cuddle time? I’m not relating to these exhibitionists, folks.

It gets worse with the second couple, driving a car. The man, who is being asked on his savings, reacts surprised. He probably thought the camera crew was merely hitchhiking and now looking for an interesting topic to talk about. I get the interview style, but why interview someone who is not prepared, taking total strangers in his car and have the camera crew disappear as another camera drives by? What’s the message, guys? I thought this was a serious interview. Let me remind myself to pick a bank for my savings account that lets me mind my own business.

What’s your worst commercial ever?

Bashing Hashtags: #MyBiggestProblem

30 Mar

I’m back baby! This blog, which is at the bottom of my priority list, has reached the moment after my tests, long days of work and other important things to finally wake up again. Time to kick off with an easy start: Bashing Hashtags. Of course, it’s National Cleavage Day and even though I feel morally obligated to shake my head in fake disagreement, while secretly looking forward to the results it may bring, I will not handle this topic on today’s Bashing Hashtags.  Instead, I’ll focus on #MyBiggestProblem. Dear Twitterverse, what is your biggest problem?

#MyBiggestProblem Is i let people get to my head likee ino yhu dnt mean it – Right now, my biggest problem is that I seriously cannot read the second half of that sentence. You would think that’s a first-world problem, but I’m afraid it’s not.

#MyBiggestProblem Giving Too Many 2nd Chances – You know that’s mathematically impossible, right?

#MyBiggestProblem is having to see your ugly face everyday. Vom. – That’s got to be a good life.

#MyBiggestProblem is that I can’t stay mad. I always end of forgiving people even if they don’t deserve it – That’s not a real problem sweetheart. At least not as real as not being able to forgive.

#MYBiggestProblem I fuck everything up – Yeah, that’s a problem alright.

#MyBiggestProblem = getting out of bed. sadly, it’s such a difficult task to face everyday. – Also sadly, it’s your BIGGEST problem. 

#MyBiggestProblem DIET – You wonder why Twitter isn’t that big in Africa. Imagine having no food to eat and seeing half of the Twitterverse listing too much food as their biggest problem.

My boyfriends not knowing I exist and 0/5 of them follow me.#MyBiggestProblem – First one with a real problem! Although it’s somewhat of a thinker…

So, what’s your biggest problem?


How To Find Someone Like Me

29 Feb

Pay attention, Adele, you might find this one particularly interesting. Believe it or not, I’m just responding to a request writing this post. Even I wouldn’t be so vain to come up with this. In a previous post, I gave you the ultimate guide on how to date a preacher’s kid. In the comments, it was soon established how I would be quite a catch, if not for these three points:

  1. I’m caught.
  2. I’m a blogger (those people are the worst).
  3. I’m a preacher’s kid.

Of course, you’d want to date a christian, but in church, the preacher’s kid is sucking up all the attention. So the best place to look for one is the christian self-help section in the bookstore. Why you ask? Because people reading self-help books admit they do not already know everything and have at least some insights in their flaws (don’t pick the guy reading ‘How the Bible can help you stop beating your wife’). This way you’ll filter out the narrow-minded and stubborn christians (in my view, christians cannot be either of those two, but for the sake of clarity, I’ll use the same term). Next, to make sure your target is not a blogger, your opening line should be ‘What’s your opinion on using ice cubes in white wine?’ People without an opinion on such a trivial question can never be bloggers, clearing your way to the coffee area, where you talk about all the books you have just seen. Once again, you’re welcome.

And when we both reached for 'The Biblical View On', our hands touched. It was so magical!

If you want to invite me to your wedding, a thank you card and $50 will also do.

Standing, Aiming And Peeing

27 Feb

Ladies, this one’s for you. Somehow, in a lot of interviews I read with different people, it seems that women have only one kind of penis-envy: peeing while standing. ‘If I were a man for a day, I’d love to pee standing up.’ Many, MANY women have stated this any time the topic comes up. Some girls will bring it up just to dream about it out loud. Am I right ladies? Well, I have got a message for those girls: it’s not all sunshine when you can see what you’re aiming at.

First of all, there’s the aiming. If women actually were a man for one day, they couldn’t aim. It takes years of practice (you should kinda know that if you ever cleaned a toilet) and even then, you are always in for a surprise. Imagine you’re not fully awake. You take out the hose (this blog has awkward in it people, get used to it), direct it in a direction and release. However, the direction you intended and the actual direction are some way off. Why? It’s what happens when you just woke up. You were only a man for a few minutes yet, so you didn’t account for the angle you’re used to.

Let’s say you see how difficult the whole thing actually is and pee sitting down the rest of the day. Maybe you’ll try again a few times, but you won’t get it right. You have to give up some

You can see this guy has been practicing by the neat mathematical parabola he is spraying.

time. Then you go out, to celebrate having a penis. After three beers (you’re a man, no cosmos for you), you come across an urge. You know it, but this time you’ll have to take the other room. Do not go into the stall to sit down. No, don’t. That metal gutter that looks awfully unpractical to wash your hands in, that’s your toilet now. You are confident now. How will you ever mess this up? There’s no way you will miss now. You aim right ahead, because there’s no angle to account for and only this time will aim and direction be the same. You’re peeing into a metal gutter. It will splash. Yes, I am saying your own pee will backfire and splash at you. You didn’t see that coming, did you? That, my dear ladies, is way having a penis takes A LOT of practice. All the newbies are walking with urine all over their pants, be it first-hand or second-hand pee. Because the guy standing next to you that was VERY weirded out by you taking a peek, well, he was aiming to splash right at you. Be warned. Have some respect.